One of the most important skills in influencing someone to buy your product, service or idea is to understand their needs and wants.  More specifically, we need to understand what specifically motivates them.  The key principle to remember here is that people make decisions based on emotion.  Think about the last three significant purchases you made – most likely there was a dominant emotional reason that caused you to go ahead and buy (e.g., “I really wanted that car!”).  I’m sure there were some very rational reasons too.  We tend to buy based on emotion and then justify it with logic. 

Persuasion is the process of getting your customer (or your boss, spouse, child, etc.) to clearly associate their most desired feelings to your product, service or idea.  To do this we first need to know how to elicit these desired emotions from the person in conversation.  How do we do this?  I find that questions are the most powerful way to get to the heart of the matter.  More specifically, you need to follow the “Rule of Three”.  The rule is that for any given topic, it usually takes at least three levels of questions to move from safe and intellectual answers to more revealing and meaningful ones.   

For example, in a business conversation, your first question may elicit an answer involving a fact or technical issue.  The next question may uncover underlying business issues.  Further questions will take you to the level of uncovering consequences and implications of actions and decisions.  Ultimately, if you stay with it, your conversation will get to a level that reveals personal beliefs, feelings, convictions and motivations.  Now you know what is really driving this person and what their needs are.  Only now are you in the position to truly meet their needs. 

I was demonstrating this concept in one of my seminars recently.  I asked a person to identify something they really wanted to have or change.  He said he wanted to bring his golf score to the low 90’s or better.  Sounds like a pretty clear goal, doesn’t it.  And it would have been very easy for me to assume why he wanted this: obviously he loves golf and wants to excel in it.  If I had made this assumption I would have missed out on some very important knowledge about this individual and subsequently focused our conversation around golf (which would have been the wrong issue).  Let me lay out the chain of his responses as I applied the Rule of Three: 

Level One:  “I’d like to shoot in the below 90 in golf.” 

Level Two: “I’d then be able to play with a whole new group of people at my club.  At my current ability I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing with these people because they are really good golfers.”  

Level Three: “This would allow me to network with a whole new group of people.  Many of these golfers are business professionals who hold a high ranking in their respective organizations.  It would benefit me professionally to expand my network this way.” 

Level Four: “This would dramatically increase my career options and connections in case my current job does not work out.” 

Level Five:  “I would feel like I have a great deal more job security.  This would give me a true sense of freedom.” 

So this conversation was not about golf – it was about job security and feeling a sense of freedom!  I could have totally missed this person if I had stopped short and not really understood his true motivations.  By the way, I elicited these responses by asking one question over and over again: “What would having this allow you to do or be (and eventually feel).  Asking questions in this way also will help the customer understand their true motivations.  How valuable is that - helping someone clarify what they want and who they are? 

The Rule of Three is very simple but not easy to apply.  Most often we stop short, not because the other person is uncomfortable, but because we are.  We ask questions on the periphery because that is where we feel safe.  Even when we penetrate a couple of layers, we often stop just one question short of breaking through to deep and meaningful responses. 

My advice to you is DON’T BAIL OUT! If you truly want to impact your “customer” and create more value to their lives or business, better to ask a few questions that penetrate to the core rather than many questions which stay on the superficial levels.  Don’t stop at the first level, that is, unless you don’t care about the results!

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