Part 3: Rules 3 and 4 of Mastering Conflict
This issue is the third and final part of a series on conflict prevention and resolution (see Part 1 , see Part 2). In this issue we'll be exploring the first two rules of mastering conflict, created by my partner, Brian Middleton. These principles apply to leaders whether
you own your own business or work for an organization as an employee.
If you deal with other human beings, you need to know how to handle
conflict.
Leaders that effectively resolve
conflict follow "The Four Rules of Communication." In this issue we'll discuss rules three and four.
Rule
#3
- ATTACK PROBLEMS, NOT PEOPLE
Guiding
principle - "When we
find ourselves in conflict, we must attack the problem not the person."
We must clearly identify, separate
and distinguish the problem from the people involved.
Separating the problem from the
person helps to objectively identify the issues.
When we
attack others rather than the problem we usually:
- Bypass
the conflict, missing the real issues.
- Engage
in character assassination, limiting our ability to objectively address the issues.
- Incite
retaliatory responses that attack others, creating additional problems.
This
dynamic can be illustrated in the following diagram. The "P" represents the problem
while "I 1and I 2" represent two separate individuals. Note:
That the problem is not addressed when people begin attacking each
other!
Here's what happens when we attack problems rather than people:
-
This approach focuses on the
conflict, creating the "possibility" of resolving it.
-
We are challenged to examine our own
responses rather than focusing on the failure of others.
-
Fixing the "problem" becomes the
mutual focus of both parties creating hope that the problem will be resolved.
This dynamic can be illustrated in
the following diagram. Both parties unite, drawing upon one another's
experiences, gifts, talents and resources with the goal of solving the problem.
When we attack problems, we become
"solution oriented" which leads to positive attitudes and behaviors. Alternatively, when we attack people, we become
"problem oriented" which leads to negative attitudes and behaviors.
The reason so many conflicts begin
and others fail to be resolved is because one or more partners choose to attack
the other person rather than the problem.
Rule
#4
- ACT! DON'T REACT!
Guiding
principle
-
"We
must assume personal responsibility for our attitudes, words and responses in
any conflict."
If we're honest we find the temptation to act like a "victim" in
conflict, shifting the blame away from ourselves, while pointing the finger at
others. The truth is that no matter how irresponsible the other
person may be, we must assume responsibility for ourselves.
The paradox is that effective leaders win the respect of
their followers when they're willing to take responsibility for their
failures.
The reason so many conflicts begin
and others fail to be resolved is because one or more parties fail to assume
responsibility for their behavior.
Become a Master At Handling Conflict
Mastering conflict can be one of the highest-impact skills you can develop in life and in business. Here are some tips on how you can utilize this 3-part series to develop these skills:
- Read through the series on two separate occassions with the goal of absorbing the material.
- Post a copy of the "Four Rules" in a prominent place in your work area so you can refer to it frequently.
- Practice "Monday Morning Quarterbacking" when you have episodes of conflict. Reflect on which of the rules you succeeded at implementing and which ones you strugle with the most.
- Keep working at getting better at handling conflict. Don't be discouraged by setbacks. Remember, it's a process of growth. Be patient with yourself.
